The Worries of a Soon-To-Be Mother

The moment we found out that we are pregnant with twins, we were worried. Of course we were happy but you won’t deny a lot of worries when it comes to future finances and taking care of them. We will be raising two kids at the same time. I’ve seen Nayj’s face already thinking about what’s about to happen, it’s like he’s having a flash forward moment right then and there in the ultrasound room. 

As a soon-to-be father, I appreciate that he wants to be prepared every step of the way. He wants everything laid out, kumbaga gusto niya nakaplano na lahat. If something goes wrong, he’d already be worried. I guess that’s why we are together, ako naman yung pampa-kalma niya when he needs it. I always tell him not to worry too much as we’ll do everything together one step at a time. I told him, for now, we should enjoy our pregnancy. Blessed pa nga kami because I have maternity benefits in my company which is a lot higher than usual health cards and that’s something we should always be thankful for.

I see him ease up now compared to last week. He’s helping me cope up with the changes in my body. As this is my first time pregnancy, nao-overwhelm din ako sa changes. 

I have been gaining pounds which I know is normal. Since I am carrying twins, my belly is getting big at 6 weeks already. I was not used to gaining weight during my dalaga days pero iba na ngayon. But now I’m seeing drastic changes. However, I am in that state of mind that as long as my baby is healthy, I don’t mind losing my figure. I can always work on that after. What’s weird though is, I see changes on my waistline and a bit on my arms but my face and legs looks the same. 

I feel tired easily when walking, I can’t stand walking for an hour in the groceries. I want to go home na agad right after. I have no energy to go shopping anymore. I also experience shortness of breath which are all normal pregnancy symptoms. I haven’t felt any morning sickness and paglilihi yet, and I am hoping I would skip that part as my mom didn’t experience it too. It’s something I don’t want to experience as vomiting doesn’t feel good in the throat and in the stomach. However, it’s still early in the pregnancy. We’ll never know when it will hit.

I’ve bought a few clothes already that I can wear with my slowly growing belly. I can’t wear half of my closet now. I am sure it’s another excuse but no, this time, its a need and not a want. 

I get mood swings too and I am lucky to have a husband who is very patient. Actually, boyfriend-girlfriend palang kami, patient na siya sakin. And I am happy he’s still like that. Minsan naiinis ako agad, minsan naman I adore him so much pinanggigigilan ko siya. I asked him, mas clingy ba ko ngayon na buntis ako? Then he answered, noon pa daw ako clingy. At least consistent. Haha.

I am worried about my state by the time I’m on my third trimester. My belly would be a loooot bigger. I’ve seen pictures of actual women pregnant with twins and I couldn’t imagine. Sabi nga ng officemate ko when she found out I’m having twins, “Kaya ba ni Nessa un?!” I have such a small frame. It’s also Nayj’s worry when he looks at my belly now. I know I can handle it. Magiging mahirap pero kakayanin! Binigay to ni Lord eh, syempre kaya namin to. 

Syempre another biggest worry are the costs. Costs of delivering twins, feeding them, their diapers, their strollers, their cribs, all twice the expenses of a singleton. Hindi lang yan, they’ll be going to school at the same time too. Pero ang iniisip ko, I shouldn’t get too hard on myself. Hindi naman lahat ng to biglaan. Sure it’s a big responsibility but there’ll be a lot of people who will be helping us along the way. And I believe that God will provide. He always does. Simula pa noon hanggang ikasal kami, napatunayan na namin yan. 

Worrying is human nature. Hinding hindi siya mawawala. It’ll always be there. But we always have to remind ourselves to slow down, enjoy every moment and keep things in perspective. Mahirap but it’s all a part of it. You won’t learn from it kung hindi ka mahihirapan. I want to stay positive on this. Kaya namin to. Worries come and go but in the end, basta may fighting spirit, go lang! We can do this #littleNs! We’ll do this for you. ❤️

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Two #littleNs

In the modern times, couples who wed don’t necessary plan to have a baby just right after they tie the knot. Most people I know, especially young professionals, prefer to wait a while – a couple of months to maybe a year – before they decide to start a family. One of the reasons would be that they want to spend more time together as a married couple and savor the times na wala pang baby. They can travel and do everything together without worrying about changing diapers. And of course, one of the most important reason would always be financial. Weddings nowadays are expensive so of course, after the wedding, you’d like to take a breather from all the expenses and make a bit of ipon before venturing out to babyhood. As a young married couple, we never really meant to start at once, and never really thought of “waiting”. We always think about, if ibibigay ng Diyos, ibibigay niya yan. If dumating, yes! And if wala pa, fine with us padin. However, after three months after the wedding, I realized something. I want to be a mother already. It’s like I’m longing for it.

We went to the OB by January just to seek advice for a couple who’s trying to have a baby. The OB wasn’t too worried and she just told us to keep trying because it was too early in the marriage. I was still young and it was only a month since we got married. By February, I got my period again. I was a bit impatient and a lot of questions bothered me. What if I can’t have a baby at all? It was even a part of our evening conversations.

Nessa: Luvee, what if hindi tayo magka-anak?

Nayj: Okay lang, we can adopt.

It’s good to know what your partner thinks about the subject. And as much as I am worried, he doesn’t show it but he also raise questions about what if he is the one causing the delay of me not getting pregnant. You may laugh at us, really. We just thought that having a baby would take one try and that’s it. If I’m praning, Nayj gets more praning.

During one of the sermons in EMC, I was reminded that God knows what you want even if you haven’t really prayed to him about it yet. My faith and my husbands’ is a work in progress. One Sunday, I closed my eyes during benediction and prayed for it. If this is your will Lord, let it be. Kung hindi pa tamang panahon, it’s fine with me. Kayo ang magde-decide kung kailan kami ready. 

During the first week of March, I went to a different OB, performed a few tests and everything came back normal. She will be our OB until magkaron na kami ng baby and manganak ako. She also mentioned that hindi pa naman kami umaabot ng 1 year nagta-try so its the usual “take your time” advice. At least I was kampante that my reproductive system was normal. One Sunday, I was having bad headaches and migraine. Syempre naisip ko nanaman na baka pregnancy symptom un. I called in sick for Monday and I also plan to go to the doctor for a test. But then, I got my period the following day. 

What’s weird about me is, I experience pregnancy symptoms as my PMS. Tender or sore breasts, especially. So whatever symptoms I read in the Internet, I ignore them because all those are normal for me. Parang, di ko alam kung sign na ba to na buntis ako o magkakaron lang ako. Mahirap ma-decode.

A lot of people and relatives have been asking us about when we plan to have a baby and its always the hardest to answer. I mean, the question “Kelan kayo magbe-baby?” seems to need a specific answer. Next week? Next month? Next year? But in reality, you really don’t know when the bundle of joy would come in your life. Some people would find it hard to conceive while some people have it easy. So I really don’t bother to ask other young couples who haven’t had a child. Noon hindi ko naiintindihan yun, I thought once you tried, it will come. Now I know, only God knows when He will give it to you.  

Another question which makes me cringe is, “Ayaw niyo pa?” It sounds negative to me, to be honest. I mean, who wouldn’t want to have kids? Well, I know not all, but it seems like they’re already declaring it. Out of thousands of questions similar to this, I’ve learned one simple answer to satisfy their curiosity and move to the next topic. I always say, “It’s a work in progress.” Then I see no response after that.

Since I had my period last March 7th, I always felt tired and needed a nap every noon. A stroll to the mall made my feet hurt and made me feel exhausted. Parang hindi ko na kaya ung maghapon sa mall unlike before. Pagdating ko sa bahay, I wanted to lay down and take a nap. I think I’ve been like that for two weeks. Given that I felt different, hoping nanaman ako. But I don’t want to pre-empt. Ayokong pangunahan hangga’t hindi ako sure. I was supposed to have my next period by April 1st but I decided to buy a pregnancy test in the drugstore by March 30 and planned to do the test on the morning of March 31st. I have that gut feel that I was already pregnant.

While I was doing the test to three pregnancy tests of different brands, I waited for a few seconds. I saw one line. Hmm, I guess sobrang hopeful nanaman ako. Then I decide to take a shower, mamaya ko na titignan ng malapitan since I also saw in the instructions to wait 5-10 minutes. After I showered and brushed my teeth, I looked again and the first PT has two lines on it although the second one was a faint line. According to my colleague, kahit malabong line palang un, that means pregnant ka na. That’s what happened when the doctor performed a test on her. And then after a few minutes, the other two tests have two lines na rin, the second line was light and pink.

  

After taking the test, all I wanted to do was tell everyone. Knowing that I am very active on social media, I wanted to post right away but I wanted to keep it for a while. I wanted to keep the excitement because I wanted to be sure. So I booked an appointment with my OB after my birthday, April 7th. It was the best birthday gift I ever received.

Keeping it to our families and friends was a big challenge because it’s always one question they ask. Denying and lying about it kind of feels bad but its just that we don’t want to pre-empt things. 

On April 7th, I went to Asian Hospital and Medical Center for my first prenatal checkup with my OB. By that time, she has assessed that our #littleN was 4 weeks and 4 days old in my tummy. I already told a few friends and family by April 9. My parents were teary eyed when I told them, tears of joy as they’ll be having another apo. My kuyas and their wives were thrilled too. Truth is, mahirap siya itago for people who always see you everyday and weekly so I see no reason in telling. I was already getting big then and I really wonder why considering I was only 4 weeks. We told Nayj’s mommy, tita and his dad the week after. I guess I am still social media shy of my pregnancy not until everything is sure to be healthy. 

My scheduled ultrasound was April 18. #littleN was already 6 weeks. We went to Heathway ATC for our first ultrasound. Nayj was invited inside the ultrasound room and we patiently waited while the sonologist was measuring all things she needed to measure. I can’t see the monitor on my view so I had no idea what she was looking at. A little while later, she said, “Ma’am, sandali lang po ha. Tatawagin ko lang ung senior ko. Nakikita ko po kasing posibleng twins.” And then I gasped so loud and covered my mouth. I only wanted to hear our baby’s heartbeat for the first time and then I never knew we’ll be hearing and seeing two! At that moment, Nayj and I looked at each other and we couldn’t believe it. Of course we were scared. Every preparations, every worries and every thingg will be times two. We always wanted at least two kids but we didn’t know it will be given to us all at once! 

They always said twins are genetics but when you read it online, it not always is. We both do not recall any close family with twins so we really can’t trace. I can’t hide my smile since she said she saw two. And I can’t wait to tell everyone. We always wanted to keep the news until the first trimester but this morning, after discovering the good news, I had to post it. We had to claim that we will be having two healthy babies by December. Yes, we are!

So that’s why I was very exhausted all the time. That’s why I feel big at six weeks. I was actually carrying two. I always thought Nayj and I would be three by the end of the year. And then God blessed us as four. It’s a wonder how long you’ve prayed for that thing you always wanted, and then God gives it to you, with a delay and it was something even bigger than you have always asked. Grabe. All this is all because of Him. 

I always thought about the hashtag – #littleN for our future little one. And since they are now two, they’ll be #littleNs now. Just as how my friends say, sobrang nakaka good vibes. I feel so light and happy. I mean, it will be hard but I know it will be worth it. I can’t wait to share our experiences soon. And with that, I have decided to change the title of my blog to “The Working  Mom”. Right now, we are a work in progress. And soon enough, I will be a mom to two kids.

Thank you for all your prayers and well wishes!