A Whole New Different Person

When I became a mother, I feel like I became a different person. The person that I was two years ago (especially when I see my posts on "On This Day" on Facebook) was a big shift to who I am now. Not only was I referring to the body changes or priorities but the whole me, as a person.

Who was I before? If you follow me closely on social media, my posts would always revolve around what I wear, complete and detailed OOTDs, selfies and vacation posts. However, it seemed like that person got lost. I lost that person in me who likes dressing up. When have I posted an OOTD? I don't even have time to scroll down my Instagram post for that. Or when was the last time I went to the mall and buy myself a cute outfit that's not even a work-outfit. I lost that girl in me who likes to play hairstyles or haircolors or try on some makeup. When I get ready for work, I lost that passion to find a complete OOTD-worthy ensemble or even do my kilay. A blush and a lipgloss will do. Luckily, I have a husband who prefers me barefaced and never really cared about what I wore. But I do miss that part of myself. And honestly, I just do not have the time to do all that anymore.

Right now, everything is about the twins. They'll only be babies for a little while. They're about to turn 9 months on August so I only have 3 months more before they turn a year older. Yes, that fast! Maybe by that time I'll have time to focus on myself more. A facial and a little bit of exercise, perhaps? I don't know. A friend of mine told me it would take a little while longer though. Haha.

I commend myself at times when I can come up with a cute ensemble when were out with the twins. Truthfully, when you're a breastfeeding mom, you'll always struggle what to wear every single day. It always has to be breastfeeding friendly. A usual top and a short is my go-to. I miss wearing dresses! A lot of them has been at the back of my closet for a long time now, waiting to be worn. And have I mentioned nursing bras? They're the most comfortable. I can't even wear normal bras anymore because they're not that soft and adjustable. So because of nursing bras, not all clothes look good in them. Also, I am still not comfortable with my new boob size. I find it mahalay at times. No heels since I got pregnant. I feel like I can't walk in them anymore. I can't believe I was used to wearing 5-inch heels before. When it comes to work clothes, now I understand my husband why he only alternates 4 button-downs every week. Less time to think about on what to wear every morning. So I am doing that now for a few weeks and it is effective. But yeah, I kind of lost my creativity with dressing up. Where is my "fashionista" self?

And let me start with my hair. The length seemed to get shorter and shorter. But when I had my last haircut, I told myself I'll keep it long after that. However, its too dry now. I stopped doing blowdries every morning as that'll keep it drier. Because my hair is shoulder length, its tikwas everywhere and I don't even care. Before, I would stress about it and would just put my hair in a bun. Pero ngayon, I just let it be. To be honest, I want to have it colored and have a hair makeover again but I find it too expensive and yeah, I just do not have the time again. So right now, it just came to my head. Maybe I can have THAT makeover before the twins' first birthday. Para magmukha naman akong presentable mommy on their big day. Right?

Ever since I got pregnant, my skin condition actually improved. I no longer get any pimples on my face so that's a good thing. So during those times when I don't want to put on any makeup, its fine because I have less to coverup. I was not really the full-on makeup type but I do make an effort before. Ngayon, minsan lipgloss nalang talaga.

I am back to my pre-pregnancy weight but the flabs and stretch marks are still there. I miss doing yoga. I miss doing my pre-wedding exercises. I recently finished a 5K marathon and I am still thinking when I should follow that up. Again, the answer is time.

Or maybe, I'm just getting too hard on myself. I'm a first time mother. My firstborn are twins, can you blame me? But as my friend pointed out, the happiness that your children would bring is incomparable. Incomparable with your insecurities which of course is 100% true. So whatever it is that I'm feeling right now, I'd like to believe they are all valid. I'd like to review this blogpost again after a year and hope that maybe, just maybe, I got back to my old self or at least on one of the things I pointed out here. I may be a whole new different person but that is not a bad thing right? I became a mother to twins. That's incomparable.


Catcalling, Harassment and Why We Should Speak Up

I’d like to veer away from my mommy posts for once and share something about this. Now that I also have a daughter and this catcalling and pastor groups have emerged, it is very disturbing. I want people to know that such has happened to me several times before but I was never open about it, only shared most of it with my husband and I guess some of my closest friends. 

I felt very independent when I graduated highschool that I was open to the idea of a daily commute to Makati to attend college in Mapua. I live in Silang, Cavite and that was almost 50 kilometers away. Daily commute would include a bus ride, MRT and a jeepney. Catcalling seemed normal whenever I walk from one terminal to another. “Hi miss”, “suplada mo naman”, “uy chicks”, “hi ganda”. At 17, I thought those were compliments but why was hearing it felt so uncomfortable? In a span of four years of college, I lost a wallet and two cellphones but nothing was worse than being harassed in a public transportation. 

I can’t count how many times a man sits beside me, tried to brush his arm on my boobs and pretend he’s sleeping. Or a man stands in front of me in a crowded bus to brush his genitals on my shoulders or in my face. I once fell asleep on a bus and felt a hand on my hip area and when I woke up, the guy stood up as fast as he can. I also experienced a guy masturbating on the other side of the window seat while I sat alone on the other edge. Even bus drivers or bus conductors aren’t safe from such behavior as they ask the usual “may boyfriend ka na?” and other ridiculous questions whenever I sit on the usual small chair beside the driver. Once, a guy asked me to lean my head on his shoulder to sleep, and asked me, “San ka bababa? Gusto mo hatid na kita?” I was sitting on a crowded FX, and this guy beside me was trying to lean on my boob and I was so suprised when he tried to touch it from the inside of his jacket. I was walking at 6am in the morning when a guy on a bike rode towards me, flashed his genitals and asked, “Miss, anu to?” I once rode the MRT and felt a guy’s hard genitals on my back side. Horrible isn’t it? I was 17-20 years old then. I had no idea how to defend myself. I know how to leave from such situation but I was not brave enough to scream, to embarass a man or hit one on purpose.

On this day and age of social media, I am glad to see a lot of people, male or female, posting such and these manyaks are getting what they deserve. A public humiliation and even to the extent of their victims filing cases against them. But sharing this is also an eye opener that our public transportation are full of them and it can happen to anyone. Catcalling and sexual harassment is never okay. I wish I was brave enough to embarass those manyaks, to scream and tell everyone that bastos ang katabi ko, to leave my current seat, to nudge someone strong enough or to punch a guy on his genitals. I was a victim and I hope it won’t happen to anyone anymore, my family and my closest friends. 

These “pastor” groups just boils me from the inside. And I hope they’d all get exposed as online predators are more uncontrollable. People can share anything online to anyone now in just a touch of a button. Koko, the founder of Catcalled in the Philippines was right, ang bastos ay bastos at ang manyak ay manyak. They all should be stopped and put them on their place. I just don’t understand why there are such individuals. I support what he’s fighting for and every woman’s right to dress whatever they want in public and not get harassed. Or simply put, not being catcalled or harassed at all. Why can’t it be just that?